Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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