Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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