The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
