ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we're making bets on your personal life
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
