The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
