I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
