I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
