How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
