Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
