Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
