hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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