Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
