my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
