is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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