Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
