are you still at the devil's house?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
