happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
