I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
