Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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