doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
