You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
