God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
