Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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