you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
