This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
