accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My liver just had a heart attack.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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