just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize