a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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