FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
