Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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