Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
