last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no, he came in my armpit
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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