I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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