Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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