i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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