A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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