i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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