i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
