Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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