I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
