my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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