i already hear my dad disowning me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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