i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
