I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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