YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
