Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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