Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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