1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
