So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
