I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
