my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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