My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
