for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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