margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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