omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
