I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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