where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize