Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
