I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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