I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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