slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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