we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
