I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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