my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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