She is in my trunk
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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