I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
