I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
