why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
