how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize