every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
