FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
