the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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