How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You pole danced in your parka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
